Life without Rorie...

     This is going to be a very hard blog. I already feel it. Tears already streaming down my face...I have to repeat out loud what I want to say.
     Rorie's last hospital stay lasted 9 weeks. The longest we were ever at Doernbecher's. We got to come home Thanksgiving day. Just in time for dinner. Rorie got to taste gma's cooking. Good as always. She had a good night. Only a week after heart surgery and we were home. It was amazing. She was doing better than she ever had. I thought we had gotten past the "hard part". The first year.
     Friday morning we woke up and she was still doing good. Then she start to dry heave again and I debated on whether or not to take her to the hospital. I called the Dr's and made up our minds to get medicine for her at home and just make her as comfortable as we could. The hospital wasn't going to do anything more for her than I was. We had to drive into Salem on black Friday, WONDERFUL! Not fun but, we got the medicine and got her back home. Laid her in front of the TV on her pillow and just left her be. She seemed to be more comfortable there than in my arms. I assumed in was from surgery. My Mom and gma's volunteered to babysit Rorie for awhile, so Brandon and I could go out for some time together. Brandon and I had  fun. We had no idea that this would be our little girls last night here with us. If I had know I would have done anything to keep her here.
     It so hard to write this. All the pain comes back. and I wanna die all over again. I want her back so much. More than anything else.
     We got home that night and I picked her up and we got ready for bed and she was so tired. We said our "goodnights" and I put her in her swing. She went right to sleep. No fight, no fussing, nothing. We all went to bed. I woke up around 3 to give her a med and as far as I could tell she was still sound asleep. Then 7am came and it was time for another med. I heard her make some noise. Then she stopped. I thought maybe she had lost her binki and then got it back so she stopped. a few minutes later she did it again so I got up and walked by her and to the kitchen to get her meds. I had the TV on, so the glow was all the light I had I could tell her eyes were open. I came back into my room to give her the med and bent down and as soon as I saw her face I knew something was wrong. I picked her up and ran out to the kitchen to tell my mom to call 911. Her eyes were glazed over. They looked like they had bruises on them. She was breathing but very slow. I turned up her oxygen. But she wasn't moving, wasn't blinking. Nothing. I had never seen her like this. She wasn't responding to me. I was beginning to lose it. The paramedics got there fast. As soon they got in my room I heard my dad say she quit breathing. Than about 20 seconds later her heart stopped. They started CPR. Took her out to the ambulance. I was losing my little girl. Or maybe she was already gone. I'm not sure. The ambulance drove out to the field in front of our house and the helicopter was waiting for the word to go. I am not sure how long they tried to bring her back before they told me she was showing no signs of life. I wanted keep trying, I needed her back. After awhile longer another man came out of the ambulance and told me she was gone. They could bring Rorie back. I wanted scream, I wanted die to. I went into the ambulance to see her. All I could do is touched her head and kiss her. I always did that and she would open her eyes and look at me and I wanted that to work so badly this time. But it didn't. Nothing worked. She was really gone. Rorie, my Rorie, she was so strong and made it through so much. I don't understand. I am still mad, I am still hurt, a part of me went with her. A part me that was missing for a long time before I had her. I felt complete with Rorie, and now I'm not. After she passed I don't remember a lot. Its a blur. I was given some medication because I was so upset. I remember going to the hospital. Bits and pieces. The days leading up to her memorial I don't remember much either. I remember cutting out the birds and family. I wanted everything to be perfect. It was the last thing we were doing for Rorie. Then I felt like it was all over. I felt like after the funeral the world should end to. Why else, what else was there for me to be here for?
     The funeral came. It was perfect. Lots people showed up, lots that never ever met Rorie. It was amazing. We had the newspaper do a story on her. The news was gonna do a segment, but it fell through. Thats ok. I knew Rorie had affected and impacted a lot of lives, but most of all mine. She was my everything. I would give anything to have her back.
     Life stood still but went by fast to..cause before I knew it, it was almost a month she had been gone. I tried to keep busy hang out with friends. Do anything to keep my mind from thinking about Rorie and how I didn't have her to take care of anymore. I was lost without her. The past year was nothing but change all the time. I always had to adapt to her new schedule, whether it was sleep or no sleep, med changes or driving back and forth to Doernbecher's. Life was never the same. I can't adapt to life without her. The hardest thing I thought I would ever do was taking care of her. But I was wrong. the hardest thing I will ever do is trying to live without Rorie. Its still hard to imagine. I don't want to live without her. 
     Then I thought for a little while life was gonna change, maybe get a little easier, help with the grieving of Rorie. On December 18, a month after her birthday, I found out I was pregnant. It was gift, it had to be. What else would it be? There's no way I could be pregnant? God? Rorie? Did you have this planned for me? To help me? I was happy, and excited. I went to first Dr's appointment. I was 6 weeks. This is unbelievable! Right? I was automatically deemed to a high risk pregnancy. Until said otherwise. I was referred up to Portland for all my testing. Then last week I started to bleed, super scared, no way this is happening. My Dr sent me to an ultra sound the next day. The ultra didn't look good. The heart was large and the heartbeat slow. Another baby with problems similar to Rorie. My heart sank. My Dr told me this is probably the beginning signs of a miscarriage. For some reason if I didn't miscarry it may be better to terminate the pregnancy. Because the baby may make it to term but not be born alive or die shortly after birth. All these signs already, that this pregnancy wasn't going to be successful or a healthy baby. I was already picking out names. Thinking about how much this would help me but I had to keep reminding myself, this wasn't Rorie. This baby would be nothing like Rorie. It needed to be healthy. Sometimes I would catch myself wishing for twins, so I could keep busy. I don't know what I would do with a child that was perfectly normal. I needed some kind of challenge. Then here was my challenge. Is this baby going to make it?
     Three days went by before I lost the baby. Felt like I was losing Rorie all over again. I felt like I almost took it harder. The friends and family that knew were very supportive. After this past year and beginning of this one. So many of you that have read my post and updates are so supportive and remind me I can keep going. Its not easy and many times throughout the day I wanna give up. So many tell me I am strong, and to a point I am strong and then I feel numb. I am not sure what feeling is stronger. I asked God to take it easy on me this year. Haha, I don't feel like its gotten easier at all. Not one bit. I don't know whats gonna happen with me this next year. All I want is to be a mother. But I don't know if God thinks I am ready for that again. Considering He took my second baby to be with Him and Rorie. I ask Rorie to take care of him or her for me. She a big sister now. She will be a great one.
     I was thinking of names for this baby and I already had a boy named picked out it was the girl name I was really struggled with. I asked friends and family to help me with the name. I wanted Rorie as the middle name if it was a girl. As a first name that I picked over all the others was Neveah Rorie Burbank. Heaven spelled backwards. Was she a girl? She went to heaven with her sister Rorie.
     This year I need to seek out what I am gonna do. Work, go to school, travel, or maybe I will be a mom soon again, Who knows? God does, but he doesn't like to share His plans before they happen, lately He likes to drop them on me and say, "You get through it." Tough love.
     I honestly didn't think I would lose another child. I didn't think ever. It probably means Brandon or I is a carrier of 22q. We will find out. I know I am meant to be a mom. Its in me, just dormant for now...
     There isn't a day or minute I am not reminded of Rorie, whether its a picture or a song she loved me to sing along with on the radio, or just a memory I have. I know lots of people lose there children, and its the worst thing that can ever happen. I wouldn't want anyone to experience it. I know lots of people know my pain. If you are one of those that are blessed and have your children with you or grown up now remember you are truly blessed. Everyone is put through challenges in life, if you are still breathing and around the ones you love, its a blessing. Sickness, pain, sadness, everything passes and something new comes. Something better comes, something to take away all the bad. It may be a person it may be something else. I am trying to remember that. That this pain I am feeling will fade, I still complain though, its natural. At the end of the day I am sad still but glad too. I know I will see Rorie again. I just gotta wait.While I am waiting I know good things will happen.
     Here I am crying and its beginning to snow. I know my little girl(s) and/or boy is watching over Brandon and I. I know God is. The snow makes me smile, good things happened last year when it snowed.