I'm Gonna Keep Going.

     Wow, its been a long time since I have written or typed...feels strange and good. Rorie has been on my mind a lot lately. Its been almost 8 months since she passed. I can't believe its been that long. Its been so hard. Getting easier but still hard. Rorie is always brought up one way or another in my day. Whether someone asks me what my tattoos say,or if a baby I know is sick, or just seeing a baby in general, or a pregnant woman. I think of my beautiful Rorie and how much I miss her and still wish she was here with me. I wonder how big she would be, if her eyes would still be blue, or she would be rolling over, tons of things run through my mind.
     I run into people everyday that ask me how I am doing. I say, "okay." Some people are shocked by how well I am doing, probably think I am cold-hearted. To be honest the only thing that keeps me going is knowing she's not in pain anymore and in a better place. I don't have to watch her being poked and have test run on her. I miss comforting her, having her in my arms, kissing her, when I am up at night and I can't sleep I feel like I should be taking care of her.
    The last eight months I have moved forward a few steps, but also have fallen a few times. I can't remember all that's happened, I feel like I have lost parts of my brain that keep track of my memory, guess my brain is working hard to hold on to the ones I have of Rorie and doesn't want to remember anything else. Parts of me are gone, not sure if they will ever return. Life has changed, a lot. I have lost everything that I have known, First it was Rorie, and then I slowly lost everything else. Brandon and I are getting a divorce. Some of you already know that. I think its for the better. After I lost Rorie, I lost it. I had given up before I even knew it. Our relationship had been through a lot. There wasn't enough fight in me to try anymore.
    Another reason Rorie has been on my mind is because one of my dear friends little girl is in the hospital, she was shocked to learn her daughter had some very serious health issues and will be in the hospital for a long stay. My heart goes out to her and her lil baby. It kills me to know that she is going through some of the same stuff I did. Not knowing whats going to happen or what was wrong. Being scared. Knowing life is gonna change drastically, Living in a hospital is not easy. I want so badly to go and be with her and help. When I first found out I was trying so hard to think of what to say to her to comfort her, but I remembered there are no words that take away all that she is feeling. I wish I could still be there, all of my memories of being in the hospital with Rorie would run back to me. Maybe then I would know what to do. My friends family helped me a lot when I lost Rorie. Now this is my chance to help her and the family. I just wish I knew how to. I wish I could drop everything and fly to her and her daughter.

    Life has changed once again for me, but hopefully this is a knew beginning of an easier life. I get to hold a few babies here and there and it makes me wish I was a mother again so badly. I know my time will come again someday. Until then I live on my memories of Rorie.