I'm Gonna Keep Going.

     Wow, its been a long time since I have written or typed...feels strange and good. Rorie has been on my mind a lot lately. Its been almost 8 months since she passed. I can't believe its been that long. Its been so hard. Getting easier but still hard. Rorie is always brought up one way or another in my day. Whether someone asks me what my tattoos say,or if a baby I know is sick, or just seeing a baby in general, or a pregnant woman. I think of my beautiful Rorie and how much I miss her and still wish she was here with me. I wonder how big she would be, if her eyes would still be blue, or she would be rolling over, tons of things run through my mind.
     I run into people everyday that ask me how I am doing. I say, "okay." Some people are shocked by how well I am doing, probably think I am cold-hearted. To be honest the only thing that keeps me going is knowing she's not in pain anymore and in a better place. I don't have to watch her being poked and have test run on her. I miss comforting her, having her in my arms, kissing her, when I am up at night and I can't sleep I feel like I should be taking care of her.
    The last eight months I have moved forward a few steps, but also have fallen a few times. I can't remember all that's happened, I feel like I have lost parts of my brain that keep track of my memory, guess my brain is working hard to hold on to the ones I have of Rorie and doesn't want to remember anything else. Parts of me are gone, not sure if they will ever return. Life has changed, a lot. I have lost everything that I have known, First it was Rorie, and then I slowly lost everything else. Brandon and I are getting a divorce. Some of you already know that. I think its for the better. After I lost Rorie, I lost it. I had given up before I even knew it. Our relationship had been through a lot. There wasn't enough fight in me to try anymore.
    Another reason Rorie has been on my mind is because one of my dear friends little girl is in the hospital, she was shocked to learn her daughter had some very serious health issues and will be in the hospital for a long stay. My heart goes out to her and her lil baby. It kills me to know that she is going through some of the same stuff I did. Not knowing whats going to happen or what was wrong. Being scared. Knowing life is gonna change drastically, Living in a hospital is not easy. I want so badly to go and be with her and help. When I first found out I was trying so hard to think of what to say to her to comfort her, but I remembered there are no words that take away all that she is feeling. I wish I could still be there, all of my memories of being in the hospital with Rorie would run back to me. Maybe then I would know what to do. My friends family helped me a lot when I lost Rorie. Now this is my chance to help her and the family. I just wish I knew how to. I wish I could drop everything and fly to her and her daughter.

    Life has changed once again for me, but hopefully this is a knew beginning of an easier life. I get to hold a few babies here and there and it makes me wish I was a mother again so badly. I know my time will come again someday. Until then I live on my memories of Rorie.

Life without Rorie...

     This is going to be a very hard blog. I already feel it. Tears already streaming down my face...I have to repeat out loud what I want to say.
     Rorie's last hospital stay lasted 9 weeks. The longest we were ever at Doernbecher's. We got to come home Thanksgiving day. Just in time for dinner. Rorie got to taste gma's cooking. Good as always. She had a good night. Only a week after heart surgery and we were home. It was amazing. She was doing better than she ever had. I thought we had gotten past the "hard part". The first year.
     Friday morning we woke up and she was still doing good. Then she start to dry heave again and I debated on whether or not to take her to the hospital. I called the Dr's and made up our minds to get medicine for her at home and just make her as comfortable as we could. The hospital wasn't going to do anything more for her than I was. We had to drive into Salem on black Friday, WONDERFUL! Not fun but, we got the medicine and got her back home. Laid her in front of the TV on her pillow and just left her be. She seemed to be more comfortable there than in my arms. I assumed in was from surgery. My Mom and gma's volunteered to babysit Rorie for awhile, so Brandon and I could go out for some time together. Brandon and I had  fun. We had no idea that this would be our little girls last night here with us. If I had know I would have done anything to keep her here.
     It so hard to write this. All the pain comes back. and I wanna die all over again. I want her back so much. More than anything else.
     We got home that night and I picked her up and we got ready for bed and she was so tired. We said our "goodnights" and I put her in her swing. She went right to sleep. No fight, no fussing, nothing. We all went to bed. I woke up around 3 to give her a med and as far as I could tell she was still sound asleep. Then 7am came and it was time for another med. I heard her make some noise. Then she stopped. I thought maybe she had lost her binki and then got it back so she stopped. a few minutes later she did it again so I got up and walked by her and to the kitchen to get her meds. I had the TV on, so the glow was all the light I had I could tell her eyes were open. I came back into my room to give her the med and bent down and as soon as I saw her face I knew something was wrong. I picked her up and ran out to the kitchen to tell my mom to call 911. Her eyes were glazed over. They looked like they had bruises on them. She was breathing but very slow. I turned up her oxygen. But she wasn't moving, wasn't blinking. Nothing. I had never seen her like this. She wasn't responding to me. I was beginning to lose it. The paramedics got there fast. As soon they got in my room I heard my dad say she quit breathing. Than about 20 seconds later her heart stopped. They started CPR. Took her out to the ambulance. I was losing my little girl. Or maybe she was already gone. I'm not sure. The ambulance drove out to the field in front of our house and the helicopter was waiting for the word to go. I am not sure how long they tried to bring her back before they told me she was showing no signs of life. I wanted keep trying, I needed her back. After awhile longer another man came out of the ambulance and told me she was gone. They could bring Rorie back. I wanted scream, I wanted die to. I went into the ambulance to see her. All I could do is touched her head and kiss her. I always did that and she would open her eyes and look at me and I wanted that to work so badly this time. But it didn't. Nothing worked. She was really gone. Rorie, my Rorie, she was so strong and made it through so much. I don't understand. I am still mad, I am still hurt, a part of me went with her. A part me that was missing for a long time before I had her. I felt complete with Rorie, and now I'm not. After she passed I don't remember a lot. Its a blur. I was given some medication because I was so upset. I remember going to the hospital. Bits and pieces. The days leading up to her memorial I don't remember much either. I remember cutting out the birds and family. I wanted everything to be perfect. It was the last thing we were doing for Rorie. Then I felt like it was all over. I felt like after the funeral the world should end to. Why else, what else was there for me to be here for?
     The funeral came. It was perfect. Lots people showed up, lots that never ever met Rorie. It was amazing. We had the newspaper do a story on her. The news was gonna do a segment, but it fell through. Thats ok. I knew Rorie had affected and impacted a lot of lives, but most of all mine. She was my everything. I would give anything to have her back.
     Life stood still but went by fast to..cause before I knew it, it was almost a month she had been gone. I tried to keep busy hang out with friends. Do anything to keep my mind from thinking about Rorie and how I didn't have her to take care of anymore. I was lost without her. The past year was nothing but change all the time. I always had to adapt to her new schedule, whether it was sleep or no sleep, med changes or driving back and forth to Doernbecher's. Life was never the same. I can't adapt to life without her. The hardest thing I thought I would ever do was taking care of her. But I was wrong. the hardest thing I will ever do is trying to live without Rorie. Its still hard to imagine. I don't want to live without her. 
     Then I thought for a little while life was gonna change, maybe get a little easier, help with the grieving of Rorie. On December 18, a month after her birthday, I found out I was pregnant. It was gift, it had to be. What else would it be? There's no way I could be pregnant? God? Rorie? Did you have this planned for me? To help me? I was happy, and excited. I went to first Dr's appointment. I was 6 weeks. This is unbelievable! Right? I was automatically deemed to a high risk pregnancy. Until said otherwise. I was referred up to Portland for all my testing. Then last week I started to bleed, super scared, no way this is happening. My Dr sent me to an ultra sound the next day. The ultra didn't look good. The heart was large and the heartbeat slow. Another baby with problems similar to Rorie. My heart sank. My Dr told me this is probably the beginning signs of a miscarriage. For some reason if I didn't miscarry it may be better to terminate the pregnancy. Because the baby may make it to term but not be born alive or die shortly after birth. All these signs already, that this pregnancy wasn't going to be successful or a healthy baby. I was already picking out names. Thinking about how much this would help me but I had to keep reminding myself, this wasn't Rorie. This baby would be nothing like Rorie. It needed to be healthy. Sometimes I would catch myself wishing for twins, so I could keep busy. I don't know what I would do with a child that was perfectly normal. I needed some kind of challenge. Then here was my challenge. Is this baby going to make it?
     Three days went by before I lost the baby. Felt like I was losing Rorie all over again. I felt like I almost took it harder. The friends and family that knew were very supportive. After this past year and beginning of this one. So many of you that have read my post and updates are so supportive and remind me I can keep going. Its not easy and many times throughout the day I wanna give up. So many tell me I am strong, and to a point I am strong and then I feel numb. I am not sure what feeling is stronger. I asked God to take it easy on me this year. Haha, I don't feel like its gotten easier at all. Not one bit. I don't know whats gonna happen with me this next year. All I want is to be a mother. But I don't know if God thinks I am ready for that again. Considering He took my second baby to be with Him and Rorie. I ask Rorie to take care of him or her for me. She a big sister now. She will be a great one.
     I was thinking of names for this baby and I already had a boy named picked out it was the girl name I was really struggled with. I asked friends and family to help me with the name. I wanted Rorie as the middle name if it was a girl. As a first name that I picked over all the others was Neveah Rorie Burbank. Heaven spelled backwards. Was she a girl? She went to heaven with her sister Rorie.
     This year I need to seek out what I am gonna do. Work, go to school, travel, or maybe I will be a mom soon again, Who knows? God does, but he doesn't like to share His plans before they happen, lately He likes to drop them on me and say, "You get through it." Tough love.
     I honestly didn't think I would lose another child. I didn't think ever. It probably means Brandon or I is a carrier of 22q. We will find out. I know I am meant to be a mom. Its in me, just dormant for now...
     There isn't a day or minute I am not reminded of Rorie, whether its a picture or a song she loved me to sing along with on the radio, or just a memory I have. I know lots of people lose there children, and its the worst thing that can ever happen. I wouldn't want anyone to experience it. I know lots of people know my pain. If you are one of those that are blessed and have your children with you or grown up now remember you are truly blessed. Everyone is put through challenges in life, if you are still breathing and around the ones you love, its a blessing. Sickness, pain, sadness, everything passes and something new comes. Something better comes, something to take away all the bad. It may be a person it may be something else. I am trying to remember that. That this pain I am feeling will fade, I still complain though, its natural. At the end of the day I am sad still but glad too. I know I will see Rorie again. I just gotta wait.While I am waiting I know good things will happen.
     Here I am crying and its beginning to snow. I know my little girl(s) and/or boy is watching over Brandon and I. I know God is. The snow makes me smile, good things happened last year when it snowed.
   

Time Flys..

     Wow, its been over a month since I have posted a blog. I have had a lack of creativity and urge to write...
So much has happened, I am not sure where to begin...Obviously we didn't stay home long a little over 36 hrs. I called up to Doernbecher's to tell them what was going on with Rorie and they said take her to the ER. I got her ready to drive to Salem ER. We were almost there and then traffic started slowing down and I just could see a big, long line of cars and flashing lights at the very front. There was an accident. I pulled into the gas station and called 911. The beginning of another admit into the hospital. Wonderful. One of the hardest things is being teased with going back and forth between the hospital and home so much. Which has happened a lot lately. I think I have finally learned to never unpack. D.B. is more of a home to us at times then our "real home".
     This time we were admitted because Rorie was fluid overloaded so it caused respiratory issues. Finally what I have been dreading, the problem was her heart. Her heart is no longer protecting her lungs as well as it once was. The pulmonary artery is letting to much blood flow to her lungs. The diuretics weren't doing a well enough job to keep fluid off her lungs either, so therefore made it very difficult for her to breath.
     I have been getting so tired of going back and forth to the hospital. I couldn't handle anymore "I don't knows" to my questions or not getting things done that needed to be and not having the doctors and nurses listen to me. So, I got the idea of looking into second opinions, more options, more brains, better resources. Rorie's aunt Melissa helped me with this and she got CHOP involved. Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Answer to prayer! They have a center for 22q deletion. Which is what Rorie has. Well just telling the doctor's here a Doernbecher's, made them kick into gear too and I started getting answers. I guess you just have to make people feel a little threatened to make them listen. :) Rorie was presented that Friday at a conference for upcoming heart surgeries. I got news that she would be having surgery in a few weeks at the first opening they could find. Rorie was finally stable and we were transferred to one of the main peds floor to wait till she could have surgery.  I was anxious for her surgery but so not ready for it at the same time. It was hard to imagine she would be having her chest opened up for the first time. This was going to be her first major surgery. I could grasp it was really going to happen. I wanted to not think about it, but the more I tried to forget it, the more it got brought up and I couldn't stop thinking about it.
     A few days later Rorie began dry heaving. First thing I thought was she wasn't handling her feeds. So I stopped them and vented her(burped her through her feeding tube, it take the formula and air out do nothing is in her belly). This didn't stop it. So maybe withdraw? The Dr's order some IV drugs to see if it would help, and it did but it didn't last long. This went on for about a day and a half and then she just stopped. She continued to be fussy hard to comfort. Then one morning Rorie's respiratory rate had dropped really low and we were just watching her really close, her O2 levels remained good. I was watching TV and out of the corner of my eye I saw Rorie under the blanket shaking it looked like. I got up and looked at her and she was breathing very strange, like when a little kid gets really upset and they cry so hard they do the, "ah ah ah" breathing. That's what it looked like but Rorie was sleeping her eyes were closed. I called the nurse in. She pulled the blankets off Rorie, her eyes opened but she wasn't moving otherwise. I tried to get her attention, but nothing. Her eyes wouldn't move her body wasn't either. She was having a seizure. This one was one of the worse ones I have seen her have. It took her a few minutes to snap out of it. Than she went right back to sleep.
"Ugh, not this again." I said. Another problem, we don't need. Why does this always happen? Neurology was consulted. They weren't to worry because she could have lost her Keppra dose(seizure med). The following day Rorie was doing really great and the speech and language team came to see Rorie and they gave the okay for her to eat baby food! With a SPOON! I was doubtful that she would eat from a spoon because she had hated it before. Boy, did Rorie surprise me! She took bite after bite of baby food. I am so proud of her! I couldn't believe it. It of course wore her out and she had a good snooze after that.
     November 10th, Dr. Kelly, Rorie's cardiologist came to see us and tell me that Rorie surgery had finally been scheduled for Wednesday the 16th. After he left the room, tears just poured from my eyes, It took me back to the day her first told me about Rorie's heart condition. I felt like I had been hit by a train. I thought to myself, "We have been through SO much this year, and now just two days before Rorie's first birthday she would be having open heart surgery." It never ends... I am on a ride with a blind fold and only half a seat belt, I am hanging on for dear life! This is so hard. I feel weak, alone, scared and helpless. I don't know whats ahead for us, all I know is we have gotten over everything so far.
     On Monday, Rorie started to dry heave again and it was worse this time far worse. The Dr's gave her meds that she had gotten the week before when she was dry heaving. But this time it wasn't working. Not even touching it. First the reason she was doing it was because she was constipated, then it was withdraw or fluid overload, or she had an upset tummy, then it was from her nissan surgery! I knew the Dr's were all wrong I knew it wasn't any of those reason. I knew it was worse and something was really wrong, and I couldn't do anything! I had to yell at a Dr before one finally told me and said, "we don't know." I hate that answer, hate it! There had to be something they could do. My daughter is dry heaving to the point were she can barely take a breath in between and I am told there is nothing that can be done to help her. Not okay! By this point I am crying and trying to comfort Rorie as best as I could, held her, laid in bed with her anything! I was desperate for her to feel better. One Dr, he was a man, he comes in with Rorie's nurse and asked how Rorie was doing. I said, "Not any better." Then he asked me if I thought she was in pain. Shocked by this answer I snapped back at him, "Of course she is! Wouldn't you be in pain if you were dry heaving all day and could stop? I am sure you would. That was a dumb question!" Finally I got through to someone, whether it was him or someone else they changed doses and gave her more meds. It helped but still didn't stop it. I had been in tears those two first days and only had gotten two hours of sleep. I was an emotional wreck and grumpy. At least Rorie was a bit more comfortable. She could rest some-what anyways. I crawled in the bed with her and laid next to her, her eyes were open. She was so tired and exhausted but she just couldn't let herself sleep. I ran my fingers through her hair and she just looked at me. I went to go give her a kiss and I put my hand on her chest, she was burning up! I had never felt her so hot! I had touched her legs, arms and forehead, but they were all cool. I called then nurse and she got a rectal temp, 104.9°F! Dr's were paged, this was all such a shock. The nurses had been doing under the arm temps and she was always fine, they were false readings. How long has she had this temp? I don't remember the last time I touched her chest or stomach  or if she felt this hot. I felt so bad. Blood and urine cultures were taken right away and ice-packs were put on her.
     Then here we are today, the day Rorie was suppose to have surgery. It was postponed obviously. The blood and urine cultures have not grown anything, so we have no explanation for why she had such a high fever. Her dry heaving has also stopped. I am praying they still look for the reason of why this all happened. We don't need it to happen again. We are suppose to get an MRI of her brain, it could possibly be the problem. If her brain is swollen and pressing against something that's causing all this. I hope its not. Rorie is such a mystery to everyone here. Somehow we have managed to be a miracle and a disaster all in one.
     These few days leading up to her birthday makes me think about so much, about how she came into this world. That will be a whole other blog...
But I keep telling myself I can't wait till all these hard days are all just a faint memory. That's all I want them to be is a memory. I want to live a good life with Rorie out of the hospital. I hope we get there soon. Love you Rorie. Love Momma.

The ups and downs of these last couple days.

     Okay, so Rorie had a rough spot a few days ago her O2 sats were dropping like crazy! Her lowest one was 10% not good at all and she was on a ventilator, which typically doesn't happen! Every time her O2 would drop they would have to bag her and suction her and she would recover. At first the Dr's weren't sure why she wasn't letting the vent breath for her. One Dr finally said she could have asthma, they lowered her sedation meds and changed her ventilator settings, and started more breathing treatments. She responded much better after everything was adjusted.

     Rorie also was diagnosed with very very fragile bones (I am spacing on what it is called.). Her ribs and left leg are fractured. Her bones are so brittle and weak a diaper change could have fractured her leg. Endocrinologist Dr's (hormone Dr's) are stumped on why her calcium and other levels are so out of whack out of nowhere! She has been started on a drip to help supplement. Before our last hospital admit we have never had a problem. This problem with her bones is also related to her 22q deletion. 
     Rorie has also had a fever that has been coming and going. She has no other signs of a viral infection so Infectious disease team was called in to see if they had any ideas on what could be missing. If she could have a fungus or something like that. But she doesn't have any of those symptoms to fit with a diagnoses of that sort. So that wasn't much help. 
     Hematology was also brought back into the many teams that are involved with Rorie. A few months back when Rorie had a picc line placed she formed a blood clot in her left leg. We also found  several tiny blood clots in her brain, Rorie has no way to filter out blood clots due to the anatomy of her heart. When we were admitted this last Sunday a central line was placed in her groin and she has a clot in the right leg now. Now, today another picc line was placed in her right arm, I am praying hard that we don't get another blood clot! She is not able to be on aspirin right now because of her upcoming Nissan surgery. So we seem to still be getting hit from all directions. It could be worse though. As long as the Dr's don't find any infection or signs of something other than a fever, we will proceed to have her surgery on the 18th, because she needs it that badly. 

Out of the Hospital 12hrs. Then Life flighted to Ohsu.

     Rorie was discharged from Dornbecher's on Saturday. I felt that what the hospital was doing for her, was nothing I couldn't handle at home. Where she was more comfortable. I clearly was wrong. The night was rough, Rorie was fluid overloaded, possibly going through withdraw. Things just weren't in her favor. We woke up that morning, I was headed to Salem to pick up her medications. Drove back home quickly, I was close to getting back out to my parents and I called my mom and said I would need help with Rorie. She wasn't doing well,  I need to get ready to take her back to Portland. I called up to Portland to the on call doctor and they said to get her to the nearest E.R. From my experience with hospitals it is extremely pointless and a waste of time to take her anywhere, but Ohsu. I called 911 I knew I wouldn't be able to make it even to Salem in her condition. The ambulance came, the paramedic's walked in and got her hook up to a pulse-ox and their oxygen. The told me we have two options. 1-take her in the ambulance to Salem. Or 2- life flight was on their way and they can take you to Ohsu. I said life flight. We would end up at Ohsu anyways I wanted to skip the middle man and get her to where they could help her most. The ambulance took us down to the field in front of my parents house, the helicopter landed right there! The pilot had to see if I was able to ride with her. He asked me questions told me I had to remain calm and if I didn't for any reason they would restrain me. It was very scary. While the pilot and the paramedics in the helicopter got everything ready for us to go, Rorie and I were in the ambulance with the other paramedics. We are going to do something called and "I-O" you won't like and it will be hard to see, but we have to do it. They pulled out what looked like little drill. He went on to tell me we have to drill into her leg and get into the bone marrow so we can give her a medicine to paralyze her, in case she needs to be intubated in the helicopter. I have seen lots of terrible thing done to Rorie this was by far the worst. She had no pain meds on board no sedation, no nothing! I felt terrible! Not only did they do it once, but twice! The pilot came to tell me I was able to ride in the helicopter with her. It was very surreal. Just like a movie, I couldn't believe we where gonna be life flighted. Rorie has been far worse than she was this time around, but I am glad we had that available to us. It was about 20 minutes till we arrived on the roof top of Ohsu, and a team of people waiting to get Rorie taken care of. I love this place so much the people here do there best to save everyone, I have seen some pretty amazing things and horrible things happen in this hospital. I am so grateful that we have such an amazing hospital so close, but its hard to be here. Rorie was wheeled down to the ER and pretty stable as time went on things got worse and ultimately she needed to be intubated. I felt helpless! I couldn't do anything, there were so many people in the room so many different questions. I couldn't stop crying. Everyone was telling me I needed to sit down. Every time I sat down I couldn't see what they were doing to her. It was a mess! At one point she had blood coming from her mouth. Her O2 sats where dropping. It was scary. Social workers came into try and take care of me. I think they thought I was in shock. I had done this before. It wasn't new, but it didn't make it any easier! No matter how many times a little on is rushed to a hospital or not, it is hard. I just wanted to hold Rorie's hand, but I couldn't do that. The best thing for me was to answer the questions and stay out of the way. I just wanted my eyes on her. Once she was intubated and stable I could breath a little. We were transferred to ICU. I could just see it on everyone face, they were sad we were back.

     Today, has been hard to. Rorie has been uncomfortable. I learned a little boy, Nathaniel, I was praying for on facebook was also in Dornbecher's, he turned out to be in the room right next to Rorie. He passed away earlier in the day. I didn't know him, but it still affected me. I felt so selfish. I felt fortunate. I said it could be worse for Rorie and I. It really hit me hard. I couldn't imagine how his mother and father felt. I had met his mother the night before and we talked a little. I had no idea. I gave her a hug as they left. In situations like that you don't know what to say. Its so hard to be here and watch parents lose there children, I pray to God it won't be me that loses Rorie. I have been told once

 before that we might lose her and it was the worst feeling.

 It my worst fear. I know I can't think about that or even feed that fear, but its very difficult. I think at some point that thought crosses every mothers mind. My heart goes out to Nathaniel's family. I know he is in a better place now and happier than ever. Meri was his mother's name and even though she had just lost her son and this will be the hardest day in her life, as she gave me a hug and walked away, she said she would pray for Rorie. Amazing.

Update on Rorie

     Rorie has been doing well, other than she has had a rough night she didn't sleep well. Her Nissan surgery is scheduled for this coming Tuesday, Oct 11. There was a last minute cancellation. Rorie was first in line to get it! Thank goodness she needs it bad. A Nissan is where they wrap the
stomach around the esophagus, it stops reflux (heartburn). In babies
and children like Rorie it can cause them to aspirate, causing pneumonia,
among other problems. This will hopefully prevent Rorie from getting so many pneumonia's.  After the surgery I should be able to feed her more food and different foods. Which will get her bigger for her heart surgery.
     Its also looks like Rorie will need to be on oxygen a lot more, possibly most of the day. She hasn't been maintaining her O2 levels very well on her own. This could be due to fluid still in her lungs it could get better over time as she continues to recover from this hospital stay.
   

Music is something that can inspire, heal... it washes our soul.

     Why do we listen to things over and over again? Repeat things over and over again in our lives? We (or at least me) have to do thing several times before I learn whats good for me, right, wrong, healthy. Not only to your body, but heart and mind. I remember hear a quote, I don't know who said it, but it went something like this.    

  "If you do what you have always done and never do anything different, you will never get anything different then you've always had."

     I guess I am feeling inspired tonight. I've come to realize I need to be different if I want a life I have always dreamed of. It makes complete sense. Why it takes us so long to learn, I don't know. Its painful. 

     I want a change, I wanna know who I am, what makes me, Ariana. I want someone to come up to me one day and ask me who I am and why I am/was put on this earth. I want to be able to have a good answer. I want to "leave my own tattoo" on this world. 

     SO, I am on journey to seek out the answers to those questions. I don't know what that's mean what I will have to do or anything. I am gonna keep taking one day at a time. But look back on each day. Find out what I am good at. What brings life to me. What makes me happy. Makes me wanna live and strive to be that person with the life I want or need. I want to be smart, I want to do things right, be sure about everything I do with anything in life. Know that it is right for Rorie and I. 

     Why I posted this video, I love this song, I love her voice, its beautiful! Rorie loves it too, it puts her to sleep. This song inspired me tonight. Its strange how life is. I'm learning to love it.