Catching up..? We will try.

     Well, its safe to say that Rorie has had lots of hospital admits. Lots of very hard ones. Draining, emotionally, physically, mentally. Scary and painful. It has been a journey to get where we are today. I have learned so much and feel like I should have my bachelors in nursing! Before I got married and had Rorie I wanted to be a NICU nurse. I have always had a love for babies. Now that I have experienced it, I am not sure its what I would want to do. I know I would be good at it. I can empathize with others. Tell them that there is a faint light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time, that light gets a little brighter. Maybe my heart will change.
     I have so many emotions towards...well, everything now. My passion for life would be the biggest, second would be patients. As each day goes by I realize why God gave Rorie to me with all her strange imperfections that are perfect in my eyes. God gave her to me to teach me. Soften me, make me listen, have trust, believe that everything will be alright. When I found out I was pregnant I pictured this perfect blissful pregnancy, a easy labor and delivery, a wonderful bonding experience, bring my child to the perfect home and have a healthy newborn. Instead I had a rough pregnancy, which revealed heart syndrome(God works mysteriously). Labor was easy only due to the fact that I was so scared and determined to have her without a C-section and waiting as long as possible before getting an epidural. I don't think I could register the pain. I was to worried about her. I didn't have her immediately laid on my chest when she was born she was swept away. I didn't get to bond with my daughter. I was so scared she wouldn't know who I was. If I loved her. It killed me. We didn't get to bring her home till she was almost 3 weeks old and she was far from healthy. Those 3 weeks were some of the hardest ones I will ever have to go through. I didn't feel like I was doing my job as a mother. I couldn't hold her every time she cried. I couldn't rock her to sleep. I could kiss her whenever I wanted. I could whisper in her ear every moment, "I love you, Rorie."

     Writing this brings back a lot of emotions. I cherish those days, but glad they are behind us. This past year has been so challenging. I want this blog to help me, help others, have it for Rorie to look back on, have it for me to look back on a read and re-read it over and over again. I don't wanna forget all the special and amazing moments, even the terrible ones I don't want to forget them. I figured now while we are in the hospital is a better time then ever to write. Write about the past, the future, right now. I hope someday I can be an inspiration to someone somewhere for whatever reason.